Frustration – A Journal Entry

Frustration! Seems like it’s been the running theme of my life lately, and it’s all come to a head now. The dog bites to the left side of my body are the icing on the bad medical luck cake that I’ve been force fed as of late. I’ve been suffering from some kind of neurological condition which has been very painful, but no definiative diagnosis yet. I’m not sure whats happening to me and so far neither are the doctors I’ve seen, but they’ve been tossing around ideas that range anywhere from stress, zoster sine herpete (shingles with no rach), post viral neuralgia, MS and brain tumors. Not only is the pain excruciating at times, but because I don’t know which condition I have, I tend to think the worst. I’ve been mentally preparing myself for the worst.

Sometimes I’m entirely convinced that I don’t have a lot of time left. I then comfort myself by telling myself that no one really knows how much time they actually have left. I could go out today with my family and be killed in a car accident 5 min. from my house.

I’m also just feeling so pissed off with myself for not working on anything music or art related for the past few days. I had big plans that involved painting a picture for Dan’s birthday present, and recording some vocals and mixing a song, making and uploading some more videos for my YouTube channel http://www.youtube.com/user/BorgQueenMusic. I did none of it!!!!!! Arghhhhhhh!!!! I’m vowing to myself to at least record the vocals tommorrow.

I feel like I’m going nowhere sometimes, and I’m racing against time because I fear that I’ll either be dead or not young and beautiful enough that anyone will care to be entertained by me. It’s killing me literally, according to my faithful, loving life partner Dan. I wish I didn’t care sometimes. I wish I wasn’t so driven sometimes, but then I wouldn’t be me and I’d sit at home all day watching Spongebob Squarepants while laughing at the misfortunes of others on epicfail.com, which hilariously enough in itself would qualify as an “Epic Fail.”

I hope to God that tommorrow is a new day motivationally and inspirationally speaking, and I can just get on with my day and not worry about whether or not I will succeed in this life as far as an artistic career is concerned. It’s frustrating me to no end. I’m going to attempt to relax and not think about being sick, or in pain, or success, or financial concerns, or fear of failure, because I am blessed. I have Dan’s love whether or not I paint him pictures and my wonderful son Soren who thinks I’m the coolest person ever. That’s what I’m going to focus on today, and nothing else.

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