Serial Killer

Inspiration can take many forms. One of the most common questions I get asked is what inspired me to write/paint insert creative work here. A common theme within music, one that get’s recycled over and over again is the break up song, but for a good reason. It’s extremely relate-able.
Most of us will go through our lives and experience the demise of a relationship we were once stoked about. It sucks. It can be painful and we go through a mourning period. Writing my EP Blood Sweat Tears was a way for me to channel all the rage and frustration I was feeling during the anger phase of my mourning period. I was feeling powerless and frustrated as I was losing my partner and best friend to addiction. It was the addiction that lead to the demise of our relationship.

“Becoming the worst version of you that you can be, while I murder the humanity that’s left of me”

Lyrics to the chorus of  “Serial Killer”
 
Over the past year one of my closest relationships underwent an extremely painful transformation. It’s the transformation of the relationship into something undesirable that is more painful than the break up itself. It’s is the transformation of one of both partners that is usually the catalyst to the break up. It is that transformation into the “shadow” versions of ourselves that I explore in the song Serial Killer.
So why the title Serial Killer? Well, around the time the repercussions of being in a partnership with a then unrepentant addict were coming to a head I started having a recurring dream in which I was a serial killer. Dreams have always played a huge role in my ability to solve problems and seeing as this was a recurring dream with a story arc and continuity I concluded that it was alligorical to what was going on in my inner thought and emotional life. I use symbolic imagery in my paintings all the time, and on a side note if you’re ever curious into delving deeper into what I write about I share all the really personal stuff to my email audience which you can sign up for here. Plus you get a free song and discounts on merch too, but I digress…

“Suffocated victims torn to pieces. I bury their shattered remains in shallow graves upon my chest.”

Slipping into a world where I had to explore my shadow self as a serial killer who was compelled to kill her victims was nothing short of disturbing. In the dream I would never actually see the murders or the victims but it would always start with me disposing of the bodies which were always dismembered and wrapped up. As I dug the grave I would feel this enormous sense of well being as if this was something that had to be done. Then I’d wake up and it would take me a moment to realize that it was just a dream and that I was not in fact a cold blooded killer. My waking self would always be sickened that there was a part of me that could exist in that sociopathic mind space and genuinely feel justified and relieved by committing such atrocious acts of violence.

“Dirt walls of secrets collapse into one mass grave.”

I knew my unconscious self was trying to tell me something because the dream was recurring and in the most recent dream I was on the run from the law because they had started discovering the bodies. I had become sloppy in my body disposal. The graves I had dug for my victims had become increasingly shallow to the point where the remains were only partially buried. Clearly the graves, the burial act and running from the law were symbolic of some form of denial in my waking life.
So I had to ask myself, what was I running from? What did I not want to face? It was my emotions. I was killing them and a part of me at the same time. So, I decided to face them and start writing an EP called Blood, Sweat, Tears to release the rage, sadness, pain and guilt. It was an amazingly therapeutic experience and helped me work through everything to the point where I was able to come to a place of forgiveness and acceptance of the situation. As soon as I committed words to paper and started screaming them into a mic, the nightmares stopped.
Serial Killer – Another Version Of You
Becoming the worst version of you that you can be
As I murder the humanity that’s left of me
Something sinister grows out of necessity
Ensuring survival through sociopathy
We wear our masks out of courtesy
Disguising our true nature
Obscuring the realization
That we’ve both transformed each other
Another version of you
Another version of me
Thriving still in the past dead presently
Another version of you
Another version of me
Is how we exist in this reality
You’re a two faced monster Jekyll & Hyde
Isolated without a soul to confide
I’m a serial killer of emotions inside
With a kill count rising attempting to hide
Suffocated victims torn to pieces
I bury their shattered remains
In shallow graves upon my chest
In the futile hope that I can rest
Losing my ability to compartmentalize
Dirt walls of secrets collapse
Into one mass grave
Betrayed by the stench of decay
Another version of you
Another version of me
Thriving still in the past dead presently
Another version of you
Another version of me
Is how we exist in this reality
Another version of you
Another version of me
We created a world that never should be
Another version of you
Another version of me
Which one is true? Which is a fallicy?
My body’s a bone yard
Always thirsting for flesh
So bury what you got deep inside
Perpetuate this mess
And it’s catching up with me
But do I run and hide
From the truth that love however brief
Is still worth the pain
And if I could go back in time
I’d do it all again   
Another version of you
Another version of me
Thriving still in the past dead presently
Another version of you
Another version of me
Is how we exist in this reality
Another version of you
Another version of me
We created a world that never should be
Another version of you
Another version of me
Which one is true? Which is a fallicy?

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